I keep saying I'm gonna start journaling and then I don't, even when I feel like I have a lot to say. I think it's because I know I'm going to start writing, then my hand is gonna cramp, or I'm going to think too fast for my hand to keep up and get frustrated. I realize that's probably one of the benefits of hand-written journaling. It literally forces you to slow your thoughts. And at a certain point, you also choose your next recorded thought carefully because every word makes your hand hurt a little more. Not to mention running out of physical space. Anyways, there are a number of reasons I can imagine have been getting between me and my moleskine. So here we are.

I actually really desperately needed to start writing down my thoughts though. It's always a bummer when you realize your mental health isn't doing great again. It takes real effort to not give into the "but I was doing so good" hole. I know where that leads me. I've been to therapy. Actually been thinking about going back. My last therapist said if I ever wanted to book another session just email, but I don't know, there's something about that that makes me sad. Like, "Hey, I'm back. Things are bad again." Like the last time my therapist saw me I was in good enough position to stop, and now I'm in bad enough a position to need help. And I recognize that's also probably not like, a great way of thinking about it, but it is how I'm thinking about it, and it makes me sad.

I keep catching myself in misalignment with the version of myself I liked the best. And I get this desperate sort of like, "Oh shit okay so what do I do to be that again" and I don't want to believe that it was just a product of my environment at the time, so it makes me even more self-conscious because I go, "What's wrong with me that I can't be like that anymore?"

Anyways, that's all for now. I'll keep digging later.

I don't feel as bad as I did the other night. That's something that always makes me feel like I'm going crazy. When it's bad, it's so bad. And then I wake up the next day and it's gone. I can even experience extreme joy. And the whiplash makes me feel unstable. But that's not why I'm writing today.

I've been thinking about this friendship I have, or I suppose like, an entire friendship ecosystem. I can't help but feel my friendship with two of my friends is adversarial. Like we are friends defined by our proximity and past, and now we just serve as a sounding board of adulthood success. I don't want it to be that way, but it does feel like it sometimes. Or when I hang out with them it feels like sometimes they are just talking at me instead of to me. Like "Here are all the cool novel things things I've been into that you probably don't know anything about." And I don't know, maybe it is genuine? But it always feels like a performance. It's one of those situations where I have the "Am I the problem?" voice pinging up. But I also believe in paying attention to how you feel after spending time with someone. And if I keep feeling just like, frustrated, unheard, exhausted, maybe that's also worth something regardless of "fault."

I also had the thought, it's not fair to keep them as friends if it's solely for the purpose of accessing the broader network of friends. Like, I want to be friends with my friends because I just enjoy them as people. I have a really hard time in group settings, but one on one is so nice to me because I feel like the performance falls away and you can speak to each other as people. And like, I do think in one on one settings I actually enjoy the time I spend with those friends. Well, sometimes. I don't know it's complicated. Specifically one of the friends it's so hard to be their friend. Which like, really sucks to say. I'd hate to read that about myself. But our friendship has been so on and off for a while because well, they're constantly spinning out and performing like they have a handle on it all and they're healing or whatever. But they literally lie to themselves (and me and our other friends) about things we all know happened. So idk. I want to be empathetic and support them because I know it's coming from some hurt place in them, but also at what point do you go, "Actually, this isn't worth it if you can't be honest with me."

Also, on a maybe less serious note, I'm so tired of fucking bits. Like don't get me wrong I love a good laugh, but I do think that because so much of the good internet content is essentially "Friends doing non-stop bits with each other" that's what people are trying to replicate in their own relationships. And like, a bit here and there is great! But! People online do constant bits because that's their job and they're trying to be entertaining. Can we just like have a normal chat please? Like, I know so much of life is shitty right now so people don't really want to talk about it, but also that's literally what friendship is all about. Feeling less alone when the shit gets shitty. Like I don't know how to get it through to my friends like, please don't gloss over your pain in conversations. I want to hear it. And like on the opposite side of things, when every one is only ever doing bits and not really sharing anything else, it makes me feel like there's actually no one to talk to. No space to let your sadness breath.

And I guess that's like a huge difference between me now and the version of myself I liked the most. That guy was surrounded by friends, but that wasn't really the point like I thought it was. I was living in a house with the three people in this world (aside from my mom) that I can really talk about anything and everything with. I miss that, and I miss them (the two that left.) And everyday when I get the wave of grief about it, I wonder if they feel it too. And a part of me hopes they don't, but if they do I hope they're doing better than I am with it.

Not feeling too much these last couple of days. No highs, no lows really. I went to the Renaissance Faire with my girlfriend and her dad on Sunday. That was fun. Ate meatballs in a bread bowl. They had really weak sporks, so I had to use two to cut the meatballs in half or they would just fold under the sheer power of the ball.

I also worked from home yesterday. That's like a lot of days in a row to work from home. I'm actually waiting for my boss to get in so we can have our weekly meeting, but I don't know where he's at. I'm at a point with my work where it'd be good to have a bit more direction though so been working slower than usual. My new schedule has been great though and I'm glad I asked. I now work 7am to 3pm. It's good and bad. And I mostly think the bad will go away once I establish some new routines. I'm still in the adjustment period. But still it's nice.

*Like 5 Hours Later*

I'm so upset :(

I was excited to get home because I saw my pants and boots for the tavern birthday party were delivered and when I got home, not only were the pants the wrong color but also they just didn't send the boots. I already put in a help ticket with the seller, but I'm still just so bummed. I was actually so excited to see the full ensemble and have like a full ren faire outfit, but now I'm just sticking with my jeans and docs. Like that's fine, and it's such a small thing to be this upset over, but I am upset. And I'm extra bummed because I wanted to go all out because my girlfriend went all out and literally made her own dress. The good thing is that she's super cool and also made me this side cape out some fabric I got at SAS, and that turned out really cool. But yeah, just a major bummer. So, new low for the week. And I'm like meta-emoting a bunch over it because on one hand yeah I'm just upset, and on the other I feel dumb for being so upset and I got these little brain monkeys going "Look on the bright side." "Move on" And it's like I really don't know what the appropriate response is. Feeling your feelings is a good thing. Sometimes you should just let yourself be upset. But also how much of my upset-ness is a choice? That I'm choosing to allow my upset-ness to mean so much to me. I dunno.

I really am trying to feel my emotions more. Or at the very least become reacquainted with them by naming them. Right now I am annoyed, sad, ashamed, and embarassed. And I also feel like I got all this energy in my body right now. Like I want to do something, but there's nothing I want to do. I used to feel that a lot when I was in highschool. Actually there was a word I made up for it: Birerical. In retrospect, not a great word aesthetically. Nonetheless, a solid indication of my relationship to this particular feeling. Like if you tried to fire a gun but the end of it was closed so it just exploded into itself. Or maybe like, the moment right before you pull the trigger. That's what it feels like.

I can't really remember what I used to do when I felt like this. I do know at least once I just started songwriting about it. And actually thinking about the song now, like holy shit I knew myself so well. The lyrics pretty much hold up. I remember once my ex was driving me back to my apartment while I was under the influence, and this was specifically when my mental health was at its worst. Like I felt cuckoo bananas back then, and I was like, "I don't know when I got this bad." And my ex was like "You've always been like this." Which was actually a really nice thing to hear because I really thought I was going nuts. But glad that there's some thread across my rougher edges. It's better than spontaneous madness, which is kinda what I start to think is happening sometimes.

Anyways, the point of bringing that up is that this song kinda gives me the same comfort. Like, the feelings are the same. The thread is still there.

There's nothing wrong, but nothing's right
Been feeling purposeless, but I feel fine
My mom says to get some rest but I'm not tired
Cuz I woke up at 12pm, I'm running out of time

I've got big dreams, I can't remember them
I think I know what I want, but then it changes again
People think I'm chill, but I'm losing my mind
Cuz I woke up at 12pm, I'm running out of time

And then the bridge/end was like:
I feel restless, but everything's pointless x3
Maybe I should just do whatever I want
I feel restless, but everything's pointless x3
*screaming* Maybe I should do whatever the fuck I want